(It won't be the first one I use tho)
Frustration. Frustration which makes you scream from the bottom of your lungs,which makes your blood stop flow so that your arm feel heavy and unliftable,the one that comes in the least appropriate moments,the one that hits you to make you feel something then to leave you on the floor and finally the one who makes you want to do it all to scream,to cry to torn apart everything but yet it really leaves you being unable to do anything,sitting still with eyes stoned in the nothingness,leaves you in the state of being torn apart between inner and outer yourself.The thing that wakes you from this is just a salty liquid rolling down your face. It's not the first time I feel it and not the last one too I guess.But frustration is fueled by something else .It's fueled by FEAR.F E A R.It's only a word. But as I realized my every action is fueled by it.Every single one.No matter which,how small or how big.I feared to be a person I was and wanted to be completely different that's why while choosing high school I chose profile in which non of my friends gone.But not after long time did I realized that the one that I was trying to run away from were not my friends or the people who knew me but myself.I feared so badly to tell my parents that I wanted to go to art school that I haven't even mentioned it when we chose my school,to be honest I haven't been able to speak,I was allowed to,even force to a bit but it only make me more shot.Inner me was screaming all the answers,abusing me from the inside to make me speak but the outer would not respond,would only look empty on the panicking inside.It would not say a word,it became unable somehow,it's trying to vanish away in its imagination,at the same time covering face with salty liquid.I feared to tell I made a mistake,tell is a crucial word here I guess.I feared of consequences,which future held,I was afraid to face it alive but that mixed with a fear of missing it .Fear of what will happen after,fear of reaction,fear of it will change nothing..Fear of failure but simultaneous need for it to help me take a step from now.Fear of being unable to do it all,to make it all happen. Fear of feeling something and fear of becoming a monster,fear of being al...fear of fear.
Fear of regrets,yet all of the ones I have are made by it,by fear,which lead me to them,and left me in them.You can't even imagine how much I wanted to write here,to make my head less heavy but yet there aren't things that are heavy,it's heavy itself..